Trips, Traps, and Triggers

Though it’d be easy to blame drugs for my psychosis issues, I’m sure there are other reasons why I sketch out and turn into Ruby (anger) mode. When I get trapped in a situation (like I had this past Saturday at work), I’ve tripped out and start fighting with myself. I understand some of this issue/trigger, yet I’m aiming to find a solution.

It’s good to know why we get fired up about things (in my case, being in a situation I can’t escape unless I get fired or quit my job), though I note there have been some good days at work too.

I today also realized that I’m afraid of having and then expressing my freedom due to consequences. My self-imposed limitations have caged parts of my soul and psyche, and like a pressure cooker (when things heat up), I’ve popped a few times.

Talking to my psychologist today, we discussed how having a clear time boundary of when work is over (often we keep working until the job is done) could be helpful, yet I’m not sure that’s the solution. If I promised or was promised a specific time boundary for the end of the day, it could be helpful, yet I also could feel resentment that I’m there at all.

I nearly quit my job in 2021, and though I don’t want to be a quitter, I’d like to find a solution to this situation of feeling like a caged animal. I had terrible experiences at a gas station when I worked there, and with that job, I walked away. I’d like not to make a repeat performance of quitting, so the other option is to find the source and solution to my anger. I’m open to a solution and processing this.

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